Joseph Scrimshaw and His Unstable Rodent

What happens when you give a squirrel a martini and a light saber? It's probably best not to think about the ramifications of such actions. However, if you are at all curious, I highly recommend checking out the comedic ramblings of Joseph Scrimshaw. I've also heard he is the primary expert in drunken weaponized squirrels. An unstable squirrel.

In related news, I did design that squirrel image, which, I have to admit, was pretty awesome.

In other related news, you should go check out all of Joseph's hilariously humorous things and go support his Patreon campaign while your at it. If you do happen to join the Patreon campaign, you can get all sorts of fun things including, but not limited to, a copy of his book Comedy of Doom, your very own LOLScrimshaw and short awkward poems about a random thing you think should be honored in short awkward poetic form.

LOLScrimshawJug ComedyPoemNatalieMetzger

ALSO! If you happen to be in Portland, Oregon tomorrow night (4/18/2014), Joseph is performing at the Secret Society for Nerd Night Out!

 

T'was the Night Before...

T’was the night before,They came without a sound, Scurrying across the yard, In little green pointed hats, Barely visible above frost covered blades of grass.

Doors and windows tightly latched, To keep out the cold and the damp, Did not hamper their entry nor bar their path.

With ruthless elegance and terrible grace, evilelves They found the milk and three delicate cakes, And finished them off with a quick snap and gulp of many sharp teeth.

They liked the cake, And they liked the milk, But that is not why they had come. No, they had come for the little ones.

Sensing their quarry, fast asleep in bed, They swarmed into the quarters aloft, Shaking with excitement they scampered and crawled, To the first room that held a child, tender and soft.

Slowly they clawed open the door, Careful not to make even the slightest of sound. Her serene breaths, so thick and sweet, Were lapped up with eager tongues, gleefully.

Working quickly now they infested her bed, And with a single rough whisper, Wrapped her mind in a web.

As they raised their blades to sever her soul, They faltered in their task ever so. For a fear grew in their dark awareness, That sent their black hearts into distress.

A faint jingling seeped into the air, Freezing them in a wide eyed scare, And as they helplessly glared, A ghostly form appeared to their despair.santaghost

He was as large and round as specters do come, With a hint of red and pale white hair, A grand wisp of long timeless beard, most handsome.

Floating beside the bed, To free the girl from the spell most foul, The spirit gently touched her upon head.

He then reached into his great pockets, As deep as the universe, above and below, And pulled out eight tiny horned bears, Each one wearing a tiny red bow.

With a predator’s grace they each took into their jaws, The immobilized creatures with spine crunching bites and deadly paws, And having finished their grave duty, Laid at their master’s feet the grisly booty.hornedbear

The specter, he grinned, with a proud nod, As he rewarded his pets with a gentle prod, And took each of the bodies in his large phantom hands, For they would soon form something grand.

He kneaded and crushed and pulled and squeezed The little forms into something a bit more pleasing. When he was finished he had before him a collection Of bright boxes filled with happiness and joy, He then gave to the horned bears the boxes so dear, To place for the young ones to find with smiles and cheers.

With his work all done, And all done well, He drifted out through the walls, To the faint sound of jingle bells.

With a sniff and a rub of his snout, He mumbled to no one in particular, “Merry Christmas to all, And to all an elf free night.”

Her Majesty's Royal Squid Air Battalion

moleskine034

Her Majesty’s Royal Squid Air Battalion

Tentacled and golden eyed Patrolling the ocean skies Protecting us through the nights From unpleasant surprise

They’re...

The ten armed terrors Fierce air sea dwellers Feared and revered throughout the land Her Majesty’s Royal Squid Air Battalion Is overhead

Protecting against evil from the deep, Deadly robots, and giant things that creep Keeping you safe from harm Sleep now, there’s no need for alarm

Because...

The ten armed terrors Fierce air sea dwellers Feared and revered throughout the land Her Majesty’s Royal Squid Air Battalion Is overhead

Hear their water jets splash As into the fray they dash With terrible beaks they gnash With sharp tentacles they slash

The clouds grow dark, stained with ink You smell calamari in the air And your heart begins to sink And fill with a deep despair

But...

Don’t panic...

Because...

The ten armed terrors Fierce air sea dwellers Feared and revered throughout the land Her Majesty’s Royal Squid Air Battalion Is overhead

The ten armed terrors Fierce air sea dwellers Feared and revered throughout the land Her Majesty’s Royal Squid Air Battalion Is overhead And will fight again

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This piece was inspired by an interesting tidbit of scientific news that caught my eye a few weeks ago. Apparently squid can fly. I know, right? Just when you thought squid couldn't get any more awesome, they pull something like this.

I couldn't just leave such a wonderful image without a song to go along with it, now could I? Alas, I'm not at all experienced in the music creation part. If anyone out there with a better sense of music composition than I would like to devise a tune for this song, I would dearly love to hear it and you have my full permission to do so.

Creative Commons License

Random Rabid Robot


Fear their metal might
You will submit or be squished
Robot overlords

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Try to say that three times fast! Random Rabid Robot Random Rabid Robot Random Rabbit... crap...

Anyway, in case you haven't figured it out, this is a random drawing I did upon a, um... random whim. I don't know why, I just felt like drawing a robot. It happens. Perhaps I shall blame watching too much Dr. Who and Futurama. Yeah, that sounds good.

Squid + Pie


Euryale the squid loved pie. She used to like shrimp, fish, and the occasional chunk of whale, but that was before pie. It floated down into the inky depths one stormy evening. Ever since that first sublime taste, Euryale has hunted the elusive pie to the ends of the seas. Old sailors say, on stormy nights, where land is but a dream, sometimes you can hear Euryale singing out from the depths. She is calling to the vessels carrying pie to a distant land, calling them into her open tentacles.

Come to me sweet pie
To the depths, meet with me
Quickly now, make haste I plea
For without you I shall surely die
Closer I come, I feel you nearby
Though net and snare, I come to thee
Follow my voice into the sea
Dearest pie you cannot escape my eye
Over wave and wind you try to run
But I have found you, you cannot hide
Almost there, I can almost taste your sweet filling
Silently and swiftly towards you I glide
I have you! The hunt is done
You are mine, my pie, my darling
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This piece isn't quite done yet. There needs to be some serious shading done and the long tentacles should probably be darkened to more of the body color. I am coloring this piece in Photoshop, so it might actually get done sometime this year ;-)

Technical Details
Medium: Pitt pens, colored in Photoshop
Paper: Bristol paper
Size: 9in X 12in
Time: unknown